Why Do I Keep Starting Over? ADHD & Reset Cycle

Why do I keep starting over? If you've ever felt like you're constantly rebuilding routines, restarting healthy habits, or struggling to stay consistent, you're not alone.

In this episode of Thriving with ADHD, host Nada Pupovac is joined by Breanna Perry, LMSW, therapist at Animo Sano Psychiatry, to explore the ADHD reset cycle—why it happens, how shame and perfectionism keep us stuck, and how to create routines that work with your ADHD brain instead of against it.

Together, they discuss practical strategies for building sustainable habits, finding intrinsic motivation, and replacing self-criticism with self-compassion.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why people with ADHD often feel like they're constantly starting over
• How to tell whether a routine needs adjusting or you've simply fallen out of it
• Why guilt and shame can make it harder to get back on track
• The difference between perfection and progress
• How to create ADHD-friendly routines that are easier to maintain
• Simple ways to make everyday tasks more motivating and rewarding

Whether you've restarted your exercise routine, planner, self-care habits, or household systems dozens of times, this episode offers encouragement and practical tools to help you move forward—one small step at a time.

Thank you for listening to Thriving with ADHD. This show is produced by Animo Sano Psychiatry. For more information about our clinic, please visit animosanopsychiatry.com. 

Animo Sano Psychiatry is constantly looking for the talent in behavioral health. If you are a psychiatrist, nurse practitioner, physician assistant, or mental health therapist, we'd love to hear from you. Visit our Careers pages to learn more about the available positions. https://animosanopsychiatry.com/careers/ 

Transcript

We are gonna miss a day. We're gonna miss a week sometimes.

But we're still getting back into the saddle because we're gonna continue to practice. It's like building a muscle. In the beginning, you're very weak at it. You suck at it, actually. But you keepdoing it, and you keep doing it, and you keep showing up, and you keep arriving the day after the day, the day after day, because this is a practice. 📍

Welcome to Thriving With adhd, a podcast we'll share every day practical tips to thrive in life as an adult with adhd. This podcast is brought to you by Animo Sano Psychiatry, a behavioral health practice with a specialist ADHD clinic based in North Carolina. And this is your host Nada Pupovac.

Hello, and welcome to Thriving with ADHD. This month, we are talking about a challenge that so many people with ADHD can relate to: why do I keep starting over? We'll be exploring the ADHD reset cycle, why routines can be so difficult to maintain, and how to build habits that are more flexible and ADHD-friendly.

Joining me today is Brianna Perry, a therapist at AnimoSano Psychiatry. Brianna is a compassionate social worker who specializes in trauma-related conditions, anxiety, depression, and mood disorders. She takes a person-centered, strengths-based approach to therapy and is passionate about helping people navigate emotional and behavioral challenges in a way that aligns with their individual goals and values.

I really enjoyed this conversation, and I hope you'll find it encouraging, insightful, and full of practical takeaways. So let's jump in.

Hello, Brianna, and welcome to Thriving with ADHD. This is your first guest speaking appearance in our podcast, but I hope it's just the first of many that we will do together. And when we talked about the topic, you mentioned that you really like to talk about and you're passionate about ADHD reset cycle and developing routines, and I'm very happy to talk to you about this topic.

And just a reminder for anyone listening out there, please know that starting over isn't a sign of failure. Also, we are here to help you and to let you know with the right mindset and strategies, perhaps something that you learn today could help you to set off some, new, routines that can help you to manage your ADHD and just leave maybe a tiny bit better than, you're managing at the moment.

So the warmest, warmest welcome. Thank you. Happy to be here. Excellent. we're happy to have you, and let's kick off with the first question. As I said, many people with ADHD feel like they are constantly starting over with routines, exercise, work, systems, self-care, what have you. So what would you say, why does this pattern happen so often?

Yes. So one... a few things, actually. A lot of times when people have routines, sometimes the way they are rooted or their motivation behind their routine is a lot of time based on things they should do, maybe, even what society deems that they're supposed to be doing. and so a lot of times we create routines out of things we have to do, not necessarily things we want to do.

And so that motivation to do them creates pressure, and sometimes- ... that pressure and anxiety can sometimes feel overwhelming to be consistent in them. So usually when I'm doing routine work with clients, it is rooted in, "What do you want to do?" And that does not mean do nothing that you're responsible for.

It means creating an association that helps you really understand at an intrinsic level why I do the things that I do, even down to brushing your teeth, even down to taking a shower is... And then in an advanced level is an exercise routine and a meal prep habitAnd cleaning your house on a regular basis.

We can expand into those executive functioning skills that are a little bit more challenging, but we first have to remove the shame that we were first associating with why we did those things. Because a lot of times we do those things because they were ingrained in us maybe by parents or caregivers.

You have to clean your room. You have to brush your teeth. And sometimes they even associate a little of, what it means about you if you don't do those things. If you don't do this, you're lazy. If you don't do this, you're a junky person. And so we have all these stigmas running around in our minds, and that has created a negative association to carrying these daily tasks out.

When I help clients create positive associations to doing these things, so therefore you want to do them, and you want to do them because they're bettering yourself. And so once we create those positive associations, it does become a lot easier to maintain them. Mm. Very interesting. And yes, you're absolutely right, and I'd say people with ADHD hear these labels all the time, and there is a self-criticism but also external criticism as well, and it's such a hard thing to cope with all of these things and being a productive human being, right?

So with that in mindWhat would you say, how can someone tell then the difference between a routine that, like, generally isn't working or that the routine that they've simply fallen out of due to life stcircumstances or just ADHD challenges themselves? Yeah. So- ... okay, so you said the first one is either a routine that is not working for them?

Yes. Okay. A routine that's not working for you would look more like it kind of burns you out. Like, you're able... You do it, but it, it actually provides a sense of burnout or overwhelmMm ... to just keep up with it. Maybe if it looks like... So for example, if you put maybe an unrealistic expectation on yourself to have no dishes in the sink every single day.

Mm. Right? But you work all day long, you have a little time to yourself, you get in late, and you're tired. So it almost looks likeYes ... a impossibility to keep no dishes in the sink. Mm. That looks like a need for an adjustment to that routine. Maybe not no dishes in the sink, but maybe we load the dishes and they're dirty, but in the dishwasher.

Maybe they're not in the sink, but they're in the dishwasher. So you do something else to kinda take the load off, but it's a compromise in the middle of not having a sink full of dirty dishes for all days of the week, right? Mm. So it's something that sometimes looks unrealistic based on your life situation doesn't allow you to do this on a day-to-day basis.

Like, keep a spotless house and you have three kids and two dogs and you work 40 hours. Yes Like, it's literally impossible to do that. Yes. But you can find what middle grounds look like in the sense of maybe that just looks like, okay, we'll focus on one room of the house a day, and that takes us 15 minutes of the day to do that.

And so being able to find adjustments helps you manage a routine more consistently than just imposing , this absolute that leaves no room for, you know, grace in your life. - Yes ... and if you are, you stay at home, maybe you work from home, or you work on your own schedule where you have a lot of time on your hands.

And usually, if I hear people say, like, "The difficulty is because I'm distracted by something else," like, "I'm scrolling for five hours, that's why I can't do theMm ... dishes," or, "I'm on YouTube and that's why I can't mop the floor"- Mm ... now I think that is something keeping you from taking on the task, a barrier to doing the task.

That doesn't necessarily mean you don't have time to do it. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Yeah, so you would say the first is the case of maybe doing too much too soon and just taking on too much. And yes, you're right, this is kind of two-folded question. So sometimes it's life's, circumstances, but also maybe managing ADHD can be more challenging in some stages than the others.

So can this be in the way of just All those executive functions and, maintaining routines, if you will The ADHD? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Absolutely. Yes Sometimes the ADHD and the lack of focus that comes from it can- ... keep you from essentially that dopamine-seeking behavior whereYes

you get distractedYes ... from doing the thing you don't want to do, and you're more focused on the thing that you do wanna do. That is definitely the case. Okay. Fair enough It's... So that's where we talk about those motivations again and creating- ... those associations to the things that you don't wanna do.

So, right, in other words, whenever there's this tether between do I wanna doomscroll or do I wanna clean up, of course the reward is coming from the doomscrolling. So therefore, that means we need to create an association to the cleaning. Not that it will ever be more. You will never get more dopamine from cleaning than you will get from YouTube.

Oh, okay. Or Instagram. All right. Not more, but it is about some. Like, there is a reward system. And sometimes if reward systems work for a client, they are able to, "Okay, well, I'll allow myself one hour of doomscrolling if I go ead and clean the floor that only takes me five minutes." I do a lot of brain hacking and negotiating with our minds.

If I... Like, especially I'm huge on the, time it takes to do a thing because that's usually where we choose the other decision, meaning the other decision to lay on the couch and scroll versus the five minutes it'll take us just to wash the dishes. Mm. If we know it'll only take five minutes, it's like, "Okay, I can opt into that."

Yeah. But if, but if we somehow think it would take us an hour to clean the kitchen, no one's gonna choose that over Instagram. True. True. So you haveAll right. Yeah. So you have to know what you're signing your brain up for. All right. - So I say give yourself five minutes to just fold those five towels.

Yeah, or wash two plates or whatever, so. Wash two plates. Not a... Yeah, not the full sink. That's fine. Exactly. If you have a dishwasher, well, that helps. But if you don't, two plates. Yes, if you have a dishwasher, use it. All right. Okay. Okay now, well, let's say you started a new routine with enthusiasm. You're following it for a few days or maybe even weeks, and then something disrupts it.

So what tends to happen psychologically when that interruptionoccurs? Yeah. So one, you can feel defeated. That's the first thing. You feel defeated because you're like, "Wow, I spent all this effort getting on track. I was excited, I was motivated, and now this thing, now I'm starting all over again."

"And so now it kinda feels like, oh, well, if I have to start all over again, that's gonna take more time to figure out what to do, so I'm just not even gonna bother. Why bother if I keep stopping?" And I actually just had a client that had that very thing happen on multiple timultiple occasions.

Every time they started, they had to start over. And so what we do is still try to work around the restart. Just because you restart doesn't mean you just start differently. Hmm ... start differently. Itit's a whole diI, I had to do it for myself. Hmm. I had to start differently. That's how I started a workout routine.

It started out one way. I had a partner. I had a a positive association to lattes every time I went to a workout, and it was working for months. And then my workout partner got a new jobHmm ... and so now I had no one to work out with. Hmm. And so then I had to start differently. And so I said, "You know what?

I'll get a gym membership." Hmm. That difference is what start... I was able to restart my routine in a just a completely different way. Hmm. But the point is, is that we have to reassociate what our motivation is based on all over again sometimes. Yes, and I, I, I guess working with a therapist can help you in finding the ways to motivate yourself.

Okay, we'll park this here because I have the next question that kind of, continues to this one. Perhaps why people feel defeated and not motivated to start over, it could be because of the guilt, shame, self-criticism. , we mentioned all of these earlier in the first question.

And I'd say they... these become part of the cycle. And because they do, let's talk about, and you have mentioned this a few times, but let's elaborate on how people can respond more compassionatelyOh, yeah ... when they find themselves starting over again. So you've mentioned a few times connecting to the positive things

so let's expand on this. I think it's a huge... I think it's a kind of game changer, actually, in this conversation. Yes. Yeah. So, one, that intrinsic motivation to be compassionate with themselves, to me, a lot of times comes back to goal setting. So what outcome are you looking from instituting this routine?

And also, that goal has to be totally yours, not for other people, because a lot of times we institute certain routines for external validation. Hmm. If I don't do this, someone in my house will be mad at me. If I don't do that, I'll be seen as this kind of person. That internal dialogue, right?

But these new ways, the new way of going about it differently has to be for yourself. I want to be healthy. I want to... Sometimes it's, it can be vanity. Sometimes I want to look like this. I want to feel this way. When I go into my home, I want it to feel like this. I like the way it feels lighter when my house is clean.

That's not about a partner. That's not about guests are coming over, because that's a lot of times what we hinge cleaning on- ... is guests are coming over, so let me hurry up and get something together. While that's an urgent motivatorYeah ... and it does work, but it's not sustainable over the long runTrue

when you wanna create a lifestyle. Yeah. And that's what we're really talking about. These routines are supposed to be supporting our lifestyle overall, and so when we say, "This is the lifestyle I want to lead. This is why I do what I do," so honestly, that is a constant narrative that you're holding in your mind every time you make the decision to do the thing.

So when you set the routine, because you're not gonna always be motivated, and that's the point. Mm. It starts with motivation, but after you've, like, opted your brain into doing this, like, "Okay, I can do this," there are gonna be days you don't feel like doing it, and you still have to be able to affirm that original narrative that I'm doing this because I want this type of lifestyle.

I want this type of outcome. Mm. I want to live like this type of person. Good. I like it. Now, let's talk, so consistency is the key, but let's talk, is it realistic for people with ADHD, or should we talk and think about routines specifically for folks with ADHD in maybe a different way? What would you say?

... absolutely realistic for those with ADHD to carry out what I'm talking about because I am talking as a person who has had ADHD. Oh, okay. All right. All right. That is why I know these are the narratives that have to constantly happen. These are practices. So one of the things with ADHD is we come from a place of perfectionism.

When in fact it has to be progress over perfection, which is what I usually do talk to my clients about a lot. So when we are in progress, we are looking at our new routines that we are implementing as new practices. Mm. These are not perfect mathings by any means. We are gonna miss a day. We're gonna miss a week sometimes.

Mm. But we're still getting back into the saddle because we're gonna continue to practice. It's like building a muscle. In the beginning, you're very weak at it. You suck at it, actually. But you keepMm ... doing it, and you keep doing it, and you keep showing up, and you keep arriving the day after the day, the day after day, because this is a practice.

So yes, being consistent with medication management if you are on medications, and also continuing to practice that, "Guess what? I did not do it yesterday. I know I took a rest, but today I'm showing up for myself- ... and for what I said I wanted." All right. So now, and thanks for disclosing.

You didn't have to, but thank you. Thank you. You're very kind. So now, as a therapist, and then also as someone who lives with ADHD, is... Can you tell us, reveal a secret, what makes a routine more ADHD-friendly? Are there any certain principles that tend to make routines easier or return to the routines after a day or a week of missing out , on some of them?

Yes. So to me, ADHD-friendly routines look like giving yourself a little bit more time than maybe- ... a neurotypical person. And what I mean by that, using for an example, so typically maybe like a Type A individual or neurotypical person, like just say if you go on vacation and you come back and you unload your suitcase the same day, and you're gonna put all your dirty clothes into the bin and you're gonna put all your clean clothes back into the closet and you're gonna move that suitcase into the closet.

Okay, for someone with ADHD, that might not happen. Okay. And you're gonna give yourself the grace to do that, to take the time it may take to do that. For someone with ADHD, it may look more like, "I may not put this suitcase, this case up for a, a week or a month." Somewhere in the middle, someone who's working toward creating that routine of being more consistent in the way that they clean could look like, "Okay, I may not put all the clothes away in the suitcase, but I'll at least assess the dirty ones and throw them in the bin."

Suitcase is still there, clothes are still in it, but all the dirty ones are in the dirty clothes. That's day one. Perfect. Day two- ... might look like, "Okay, I'm gonna set out all the clean ones and decide if they're gonna go in the closet or into the drawers. I've taken them out of the suitcase." They may be on the bed now, but they are out of the suitcase, right?

Then day three might look like, "Okay, I'm gonna put the suitcase away." Perfect ... or it could look like I time how long this whole task will take. It will take, I will give myself five minutes to clean out this suitcase and put it away. Do I have five minutes to do that? Sure. Okay. I opt in, and I'll give myself...

I'll even set the timer and put it on five minutes, 'cause I only have five minutes before I wanna I wanna scroll. Hmm. And if I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna go ead and do what I can for five minutes, and if the suitcase is put away, great. And then I tick off my reward. I did it. Mm. So you have some options.

You can take the gradual route, where a little bit at a time, and be okay with the fact that the suitcase is gonna be there for a few days, and it's gonna gradually unpack. Or you can time it and say, "I'm just gonna get this out of the way." Mm. Okay. That sounds interesting. You, you gave us options.

That's, that's amazing. Thank you so much. Okay. Finally, so if someone listening today and feels like they've already restarted the same habit, routine, or system dozens of times and it's not sticking, so what would you want them to know? What would be your takeaway from everything we talked about?

Yes. I want them to know that it doesn't have to be a perfect system. I want them to focus on progress toward their goal, not perfecting their goal. I want them to have a goal. I want them to intrinsically know why you want to have this routine. Do you want a workout routine, or do you want to want a workout routine?

Hmm. Because sometimes we want to want certain things because we have been told extrinsically this is what we need to have to be a functioning member of society or a healthy adult. Hmm. I want them to identify what they actually want. 'Cause the things you actAnd the reason why is because the things you actually want are the things you already do.

You actually want Instagram. You actually want to eat. You actually want to hang out with friends. We do the things- ... we want to do. So now we have to figure out how do we get those things that we need to do and would wantMm ... to do them. Mm. Interesting. We have to close that gap. Because all the things we wanna do, we already do them.

Do we make another episode on how do, to close the gap? Or would you reveal a few points? Well, what I, what I will say is this. Sometimes it looks like when it comes to tasks that you don't necessarily wanna do, let's just say laundry- ... but maybe something you do wanna do is just maybe watch Netflix.

I always sayYeah ... you know, create that positive association between watching a show and doing laundry, or watching a show or putting it onMm ... YouTube while you're doing dishes. You know, something if you do need that dual attention type of activity, that's really helpful for a lot of people when they're dealing withexecutive functioning. Sometimes cooking looks like having music alongside, not feeling like, "Oh, I just gotta do this in silence." Yes. Choosing activities that you're actually interested in. , any way that you can create, , a dopamine, , enhanced activity with something that is not so fun- ... a way to create that association.

Here they come. there are so many things. Sometimes people struggle with, like hygiene, right? Sometimes it's brushing teeth and showering. I like to say make it a spa experience. Make bathroom time like you're going to a spa every time. So you can actuallyOh ... you know, get really nice-smelling soaps, or you can get lighting in your bathroom, that actually feels like it sets a mood or a tone where you wanna be there.

spaces in your home, like your bedroom, if you struggle going to bed on time, 'cause sometimes it's hard to get off gaming systems to go to bed. Make your bedroom somewhere you actually wanna be in. Oh, this is so amazing. Like, this is another conversation. Top 50 ideas how to make boring things less boring and actually fun, so this is all good.

Thank you so much, Brianna. This was so good. So to remember, progress over perfection, and just remember that you're doing things for yourself, and it's helping you feel good, not for anyone else, but for yourself. And then you gave us so many beautiful pointers on how to actually bridge the gap between, wanting things and then doing things that you kind of have to do, and then make them more fun.

So this was all good. Thank you. Thank you so much. We learned a lot from you, and I hope we will have you back to talk about something else you're passionate about talking. Absolutely. Thank you for having me, Nada.

📍 Thank you for listening to Thriving with adhd. This show is produced by Animo Sano Psychiatry. Please follow, rate or share our podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or any other streaming app of your choice. Music is by Daddy's music from Pixabay. For more information about Animo Sano Psychiatry, please visit animosanopsychiatry.com